You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
