careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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