I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
