Moan for me like Helen Keller
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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