as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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