so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
