I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
