The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
