Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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