i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
