Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
