I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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