You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
