Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
