Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
