who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize