i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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