do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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