yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
