Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and she was petting her beer can
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
