Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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