i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
