I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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