k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
