You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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