To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
