every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
