I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
