i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
