she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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