have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
