I heard we made out
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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