How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize