why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
