Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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