guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
