I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
