Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
