I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
