I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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