I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
