im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize