First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
