just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize