I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
