i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
