Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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