4 words: hood of his car
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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