I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
