he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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