It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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