The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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