My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think my mom watched the whole time
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
