Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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