I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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