Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
