too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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