Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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