I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
