I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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