Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize