We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
