She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
