Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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