he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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